I sit at a desk two feet by four
And look at a screen-or who’s walked in the door
I got here quite early to relieve the last shift
If I come in late they really get miffed

I sit at the desk and sign into the “brain”
Maybe today I’ll go completely insane
The machine flashes back-I’ve muffed the “sign on”
I send it again-Christ I’ve still got it wrong

I try it again and at last get it right
And adjust the chair, so it’s at the right height
I’m sitting and waiting-I feel like a “cuppa”
What I really need is a bloody good “upper”

I go out back and pick up a cup
There’s not enough water to fill the thing up
The last bloody section didn’t fill up the urn
I’m damned if I’m doing it-it isn’t my turn!

I go back to my desk and answer the phone
It’s a domestic-I stifle a moan-
Her hubby’s come home-he’s pissed once again
I promise the sending of a patrol is in train

Another line goes on the “triple one” board
Will someone ring the nuthouse-prepare me a ward
It’s that dingbat again-have I got time for a chat?
Use the proper line- you silly old bat!

“What’s the number?” I hear her squawk
That damn old faggot- she has called me a dork
I say something rude-slam the phone in her ear
Take a quick look around-did the Sergeant hear?

I look at the clock-its time for a meal
Off to the canteen-hell are those prices real?
I finally pay up and eat the damned stuff
A queasy gut tells me I have had enough

Back to my desk-I feel a bit sick
The computer is blinking-they’ve played me a trick
They have put it on a search for a guy named Smith
Switch to “express”, it’ll clear in a jiff

Back from my meal-things should be right
But look at the board -God what a sight!
There’s lights flashing red and there’s lights flashing green
It’s an idiots site that just has to be seen!

I reach forward slowly and push in a line
No doubt it’s someone reporting a crime
“Have you time for a chat?” it’s the dingbat again
I sit there calmly-bloody stupid old hen!

I put her on “hold” to tie up her phone
All she will get is the engaged busy tone
I’m just sitting back- a paper ball hits my head
I think they’ve filled the damned thing with lead.

I punch in a 7, there’s jobs there galore
Four on one job, don’t send anymore
I cancel the ones the same as I’ve got
Then find by mistake I’ve cancelled the lot!

I look at the clock- a half hour to go
The incoming section is a bit bloody slow
I’ve almost gone mad-I’d go home if I could
Without the phones this job would be good

The door buzzer goes-I look up with false hope
It’s the cleaner arriving-quick pass me a rope
At last he comes in with books under arm
A screen flashes up-another alarm!

I put it on hold and wait for my relief
He’s out back making coffee-good grief!
For seven and a half hours I’ve had jobs up to here
He’s out back and he doesn’t care

It’s home time at last-I’m trying to rush
My bum’s gone numb and my brain’s turned to mush
I just walk in at home and remember a job
Did I pass on?-I quietly sob.

I ring up control and wait on the phone
It’s taking forever,-is he up there alone?
About ten minutes later I’m getting real pissed
I slam down the phone, the job can get kissed

Off to the bedroom-the wife’s by the door
She asks me a question, I answer “Ten-Four?”
She looks at me strangely-I hop into bed
I hear “City I car” calling up in my head

They’re going ten seven, ten eight and ten three
Now I’ve to get up for a pee!
I stand in the cold alone in the loo
Christ-there’s “City I” going Ten Two

An hour and a half – I’m back into bed
And this time there’s nothing going around in my head
I finally pass out and everything’s calm
There’s a bloody loud blast-off goes the alarm!

So with three hours sleep I’m feeling quite good
I’d get up and move- if only I could
But I know in three hours- its up in the lift
Ready to start another damn shift!

So come on you guys in the cars and on the beat
Come up to Control – take a load off your feet
It’s really quite easy-or so you all say
Oh good-here comes the doctor to take me away!